SuckerPunch: A Viewing Experience in Trailers

Now, before I actually review Sucker Punch, which I meant to do about a week ago, let’s talk about the trailers that preceded the film.  I’ve long thought that the trailers reveal a lot about the production company; specifically what they think of their audience.  For instance, the fact that the Twilight New Moon trailer ran before the midnight premiere of Harry Potter 6 suggested that movie’s producers were idiots and had no idea who was actually coming to this event.

Now, what do the producers and distributors of Sucker Punch think of those that showed up opening weekend? Well, if I had to guess, I’d say they think that we’re glue sniffing adrenaline junkies with a mild to moderate learning disability.

Let’s examine:

Pirates of the Caribbean 4

To be fair, I’m not sure if this is the exact trailer that played at my showing, but still, this movie.  There isn’t too much to say about this: more Jerry Bruckheimer action garbage, Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush chewing the hell out of some scenery, Penelope Cruz brought in almost exclusively for eye candy, etc.  There is at least no more Will/Elizabeth romance plot cul-de-sac to bring the story to a grinding halt every 20 minutes, so it should at least not be the irritating slog of the second and third movies.

The Three Musketeers

What the hell? Why? And some lady who appears to either be jumping to her death or flying? And a floating pirate ship? In 3D for some reason? What the crap?

No, seriously.  A plot that has already been thoroughly covered by every creator up to and including Wishbone does not need your rebooting.  It’s been done to death, and has had plenty of earlier better incarnations (at least one of which that featured Gerard Depardieu’s raging awesomeness), get better ideas.

Captain America: The First Avenger

Aw, hell yeah.  My friend and I barely restrained a “squee” during this.  I did manage to get in an “Americuuuh! Fuck Yeah!,” though.  Seriously, I’m pumped for this movie, and I’m hoping to not be crushingly disappointed.  

Conan the Barbarian

Bwahahahaha! Really? Is this a joke? I laughed loudly and obnoxiously the entire time this trailer played.  I can’t even come up with a good critique.  It’s a punch line unto itself.  As soon as the word barbarian hit the screen I just started mumbling “Nonononono” and cackling madly.  Even now, 2 full weeks later, I find myself incapable of any other reaction.  After this, I thought to myself “Surely, nothing can top that for sheer idiocy.”

Fast 5

Oh friends, how naïve I proved to be.  The Fast 5 trailer that showed before our screening was an epic masterpiece of brilliant-stupid. The entire audience burst out laughing at the cliff hanger at the end of the trailer.  It was a glorious moment.  It was better than the entire audience audibly groaning at M Night Shyamalan’s name on the Devil trailer at Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.  It is a perfect storm of questionable suspension of disbelief, over the top stunts, and wooden dialogue.  This trailer alone was worth the $8 to get into the theater.